Having an identity crisis with Olivia Rodrigo

I’m having a hard time at the moment trying to figure out exactly who I am, which I can imagine is a fairly common problem for people in their 20s. It might be quintessentially the problem with being in your 20s. We spend so much time in our teen years figuring out what parts of us are going to stick for the rest of our lives, whether that’s a certain music taste, a hair style, or, hell, our teens and early 20s are where most people start getting the tattoos that will stay on our bodies forever. It’s such a transformative time for everyone, and it’s a time I think that most people haven’t really figured out. I know I haven’t. I bring this up because it feels as though I’m at a crossroads as to who I am and I am constantly doubting myself. I think I’m a performative male, and I’m not happy about it.

Bring Me The Horizon. Photo via Bring Me The Horizon.

This has been a recurring theme for several years in my life. It started with music, because at some point in my life when I listened to only metal and rock, I realised that there’s more music to discover. I believe in trying to understand all forms of art, and not to have biases. I listened to popular artists, I listened to controversial artists and I listened to artists from every genre. This still tracks today and it means I can never run out of new stuff to listen to. It’s great.

TV Girl. Photo via Live Nation.

People would see me listening to artists like Bring Me The Horizon and Slipknot, and they’d have no issue with it. I had no issue with it either because I like listening to them. People would then see me listening to artists like Charli XCX and TV Girl and they’d have an issue with that, as though I wasn’t allowed to like them or I was putting on an act to listen to them. Was that because to other people they were just considered bad? “Surely he can’t actually like that music” people might be thinking. Maybe with some of the more progressive acts, I wasn’t allowed to listen because I wasn’t the demographic. When Fiona Apple sings about sexual assault from a female perspective, it does make me wonder whether I could even ever comprehend what I’m hearing. As a white guy, all I can do is listen to it and hear it. Maybe that’s enough though right? Surely I’m not disqualified from listening to it? Maybe some music isn’t aimed for me, but I can still appreciate it.

I started writing this because I wanted to write a brief review of the new Olivia Rodrigo album ‘you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love’. I wanted to write it for a few reasons, partially because I always want an excuse to write, but also because I wanted an excuse to recommend an album I consider to be genuinely brilliant. After a few paragraphs I just stopped and I was filled with self-doubt. I worry sometimes that everything I do comes across as performative, because I definitely appear to be in that category, but I genuinely do the things that I like doing, so where does that leave me? I know what the stereotype is, and I seem to tick all those boxes. It means everyone I try to speak to about this stuff just doesn’t believe me when I talk about my favourite artists, or movies, or anything really. It’s quite isolating.

Olivia Rodrigo via The Recording Academy.

Before I make this post miserable, let me discuss the new Olivia Rodrigo album. I had no real expectations going in, having simply enjoyed her previous two albums but not loving them. They were fun pop-punk adjacent pop albums and they were simple. It definitely felt like a 20 year old, and that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I listened to the two singles ‘dropdead’ and ‘The Cure’ and enjoyed them, but have been so busy with work that I hadn’t found the time to really dive into them. When I got around to listening to ‘you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love’ in full, I was actually at the zoo on a solo date, so maybe it was a perfect setting. I was struck by how truly spectacular the writing seems to have gotten from Rodrigo. The ballads are so beautifully written, and her voice shines through every song. It's important to mention that the album also features a few upbeat songs, with favourites being ‘U + me = <3’ and ‘Expectations’. It shows her ability to switch moods effortlessly, and with such fantastic style. Whether it’s slower and quiet or upbeat and loud, it works. It works incredibly well. The whole album flows well too. It tells a grand, sweeping story of two people falling in and out of love, and at no point in the 50 minute runtime do I start to feel bored or exhausted. Every second matters.

I’d like to consider myself a fan of music that’s just good, and also a fan of some music that just isn’t. Sorry but we can’t all be perfect (speaking as a fan of The 1975). I know there’s a big category of guys who pretend to like stuff to get attention from others, but I know there’s an equally big category of guys who also just like that stuff because it’s good. Liking the new Olivia Rodrigo album makes sense, because at the end of the day whether you are pretending or not, it’s just simply a good album. I worry about whether I’m perceived as performative, but at least I know what I like and what I don’t. I guess that’s all that matters. Thanks for reading this rant and interview thing.